Did he get the hookup sex he was hoping for? Listen to The Unforgettable Threesome and find out!
Date If You Dare, a podcast by DOWN Dating App and Michael Waitze Media is here!
The Unforgettable Threesome.
Online dating seems very simple. Swipe, get a match, chat, then schedule a date with your dating app matches. What could go wrong? Colin was meeting someone he’d met on one of the famous hookup sites. He was just looking for casual sex, and then…
Did he get the hookup sex he was hoping for? Listen to this episode and find out!
Colin: My name is Colin Hodge and the one word I’d use to describe my worst date is scarring.
Annie: Uh, What?
Colin: All right, so let me set the stage here. It was pre dating apps. This is like 2011, and I was going to meet somebody for the first time and I stupidly forgot to get her phone number before we’re meeting. So we’re using plenty of fish or some old site like that. And I’m headed to meet her for a post happy hour date. So, of course, this is back in the day, so all the photos were super blurry. You couldn’t really tell what they really look like. And you weren’t sure if somebody was going to catfish yet.
Michael: What’s catfishing?
Colin: Oh my gosh. Catfishing is when you think they’re going to look like this beautiful match or exactly like what their profile does. And they show up and they got whiskers and they look like a catfish.
Michael: Hahahaha, OK, go ahead.
Colin: So, there it was. We were meeting at 07:00 PM. Sharp. And I’m there right on time. I’m waiting at this restaurant bar, and I’m hoping she’s going to be punctual, but she was not. So the first time when you’re meeting somebody, you’ve never met them on a dating app or at this time, dating site, and you’re just trying really hard to match from your memory what their photo looked like and what you’re seeing in person. The 3D versus 2D version, it’s super difficult. But this was like ten times harder because I didn’t have an app in front of me and I was using a dumb phone. So all I had was a shitty mobile website. Try to recognize her tiny little thumbnail of a photo.
Michael: Do you have like a flip phone with some really bad screen on it?
Colin: Exactly. I have a flip phone and no apps. This is pre apps.
Annie: Oh, my gosh.
Michael: I’m already scared.
Colin: All right, so 15 minutes goes by and I’m pretty sure I don’t see her yet. I can’t be sure, but I’m starting to get a little anxious and I start thinking, what am I going to do if she doesn’t show up? So I come up with this plan. I say, you know what, I have a friend at home, my roommate. I’m going to just order some food and I’ll wait until the food comes. And then if she doesn’t show by the time my food is ready, then fuck her, I’m out of there. I’m going to go home.
Michael: But at this point, are you hoping she doesn’t show? Isn’t it easier that way then? You know what I mean? You’re like, screw it, I’m out of here kind of thing.
Colin: It’s a little easier, but I’ll be honest, in those days, I was pretty thirsty. It’s 30 minutes in, she’s 30 minutes late, and I’m convinced that she stood me up and I’m texting her on this shitty website. Of course I don’t have a phone number. I’m texting her best I can using the flip phone and I’m saying, look, here’s my plan. Show up within ten to 15 minutes when my food gets here or I’m out. And while I’m waiting for that order, 45 minutes now I’ve gone by.
Michael: Oh, my gosh.
Colin: I see this girl walk in the door, and she’s vaguely familiar. I mean, like 50 50. I can’t be sure, but more than any other person I saw that night.
Michael: And you’re sure you didn’t go to summer camp with her, is what you’re saying.
Colin: I can’t rule it out. But here’s the problem with this girl that walks in. She’s with a friend, and this friend is a huge black guy, good looking dude, and they seem to be attached at the hip. So I’m figuring, can’t be her. She’s clearly on a date or with her boyfriend.
Michael: But now you must be super nervous because you let her. She’s come there to kill you.
Colin: So I am nervous, and I’m thinking, like, it can’t be her, though, because of course, my naïve young mind was thinking, why would you bring a date? Why would you bring a date…
Michael: To a date.
Colin: Exactly. So again, I go back to my phone. I’m just, like, digging through, trying to figure out, are there more photos of her? Is there some other way I can check when somebody comes over and taps me on the shoulder?
Michael: Oh, no. Were you in a familiar place to yourself? Like, could your friends have been there? Or did you follow the strict rules of I’m not going to a place where my friends could be to meet somebody from plenty of fish?
Colin: That’s a really good point. It was not too far from my apartment, so it easily could have been a friend. So I hear in this deep voice, are you Colin?
Michael: You know what this reminds me of? This reminds me of that scene in Animal House. Do you mind if we dance with your dates? You probably don’t remember that, but anyway, it was hilarious. Go ahead.
Colin: Oh, man. So I’m confused and frightened, and I turn around. I managed to stammer out ‘yeah’, and after a few seconds, this guy looked at me and he says, well, here’s the thing. Your date is actually here, but she thought you were too cute to even come say hi to you. She’s too shy.
Michael: This must happen to you all the time, the too cute thing.
Colin: I wish I could claim that.
Michael: That was a little sarcastic.
Colin: So I’m shaking my shock away. I’m still in a daze, and I joke around with this friend of hers, and I said, you know what? I’ll come over. I’ll say hi. It’s the least I could do if she’s feeling too scared to come over.
Michael: Had your food come yet?
Colin: Still hadn’t come yet. I don’t know what the hell took so long.
Michael: Maybe there was something about this place where everything was slowed down.
Colin: Maybe they knew what was happening. They knew this had to carry through.
Michael: Yeah, it sounds like the name of this bar was The Twilight Zone, but anyway, go ahead.
Colin: Yeah, so I head over to the table, and it’s clear from the story that these two are telling and from her demeanor that she’s quite a few drinks deep from the happy hour they hit beforehand. Like, she is kind of swaying all over and definitely a bit drunk.
Michael: Yeah, not an optimal situation, for sure. Plus, she’s with her boyfriend. None of this is good.
Colin: Yeah. So that’s boyfriend or friend turns out to be a hell of a lot more fun than her. And we actually swapped these, like, wild date stories we have, and I’m hitting it off more with him than I am with her. So I’m like, damn, I’m going to get a good friend out of this. But this one story, he tells me, he really takes the cake. It’s so good. He dives into it and he says, a friend of mine had his birthday, and he was dating a girl for a few years. And on his birthday, his girlfriend shows up at the door with another friend, and she opens the door and she’s like, happy birthday, baby. I brought you a threesome.
Michael: There’s no upside here, though, right? Because if you’re the guy in this situation and you’re presuming threesome, you’re wrong. Like, it’s just her cousin staying over and brought the cake kind of thing, no problem. So unfair.
Colin: It sounded like the perfect birthday if you ask me. All right, so in his story, his girlfriend shows up with the extra friends, and she’s like, here’s your threesome. And they just start going at it. They get to the bedroom. They’re going hot and heavy. He’s enjoying it, and, like, 45 minutes to an hour in, he starts to think, what the hell? I’m dripping sweat. How are these girls still going? Like, there’s endless boundless energy from them. So he wanders out to the living room to take a break, and he sees on the coffee table this giant mountain of coke.
Michael: Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say rent all over.
Colin: This is not a PG 13 episode.
Michael: I don’t even think it’s R rated.
Colin: So suddenly, yes, I get it. I get how they’re going. Like Energizer Bunnies in there. And you know what? He goes with it, too, so he enjoys some of that. He gets back in the bedroom. The night continues when this other girl, the third in the threesome, rides a little too hard, leans forward too far, and snap. Cracks his dick.
Michael: Ouch is right.
Colin: I can tell you when this guy was telling me the story, I had these giant sympathy pains you feel that instantly hit in the groin.
Michael: Yeah. It’s like when you see somebody else get kicked in the balls, you’re like you kind of lean over into it.
Colin: You can’t help it, right? No, you can’t. So that ends up obviously with a trip to the ER. And that guy has to stay like 6 hours getting his dick fixed. Can’t use it for, I’m pretty sure a few months. And at this point I’m laughing but I’m shocked. And I’m just I have the sympathy pains. And I’m in this bar, I’m looking at this amazing friend, actually, huge guy though. And I’m looking at the girl that was supposed to be my date and she turns toward me, looks me straight in the eye and says I want to break your dick.
Michael: Oh, no. Oh, no. My God.
Colin: So you can imagine my fear right there. So that’s why I described my worst date story as scarring.
Annie: So tell me, were you still thirsty?
Colin: That story turned me off of all women for at least a few weeks, I think.
Michael: Yeah. The potential for your dick to break is not a great way to ended day, but a great way to end a story, Colin. And that was awesome.
Colin: Thanks for letting me share it.